I tell all of my clients to try to date at least 30 different people (yes, at least 30 different people) before making any kind of commitment. Doing this allows us to do some growing and, frankly, some comparison shopping.
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What Is Dating?
Dating, in my opinion, is an intentional rendezvous with a romantic agenda that may or may not include sex.
How Do I Get a Date?
Many people rely on dating apps. I hate dating apps and recommend dating the old-fashioned way, where someone chooses to make the first move by inviting someone else out on a date, and the person who is invited decides “yes” or “no.”
Please Note: No matter how strongly you’re attracted to that amazingly attractive stranger you see in public, don’t make it weird. Also, be sure to make your overtures to connect as safe as possible. Approaching a stranger and disclosing you’re terribly attracted to them and how you’d like to buy them a drink, fly them to Las Vegas for a show, or go for a long drive into the desert is weird and scary, and only people without social skills or interpersonal boundaries do s**t like that.
Do This Prior to Asking for a Number
Try getting to know people before asking them out. You can do this by asking them simple questions about their life, such as, “What do you do for work?” or “What do you like to do for fun?”
If the conversation appears mutually enjoyable, you can give the new acquaintance your phone number and say something like, “I have to leave, but I’d love to hear more of what you have to say about that fascinating story you were telling.”
After the Number Exchange
If you’ve given them your phone number and you’ve commented on how you’re looking forward to continuing the conversation, no matter how pleasant and polite they were to your face, if there’s no follow-up phone call or text, that’s it, you’re done.
Move on and count yourself lucky because no one wants to date someone (or worse, enter into a committed relationship with someone) who isn’t into them.
The First Date
If the person does call or text, congratulations! Now, when you ask the person out on a date, I recommend starting small, such as going for a walk or meeting at a coffee shop. Going for the expensive dinner at the city’s finest restaurant is hardly a small commitment and too much of an ask.
What Do You Do on the Date?
You conduct what I call an “Intentional Interview.” An intentional interview is a great way to get to know someone and to let someone get to know you. It’s an open and honest discussion and a way for both of you to see, plainly, if a long-term relationship might be a good idea or not.
Rather than thinking of the intentional interview as a long list of questions, it may be more helpful to think of it as a gradual process of getting to know another person.
You do this by asking specific questions that will help you determine if a relationship is worth pursuing, such as “Do you want a relationship based on equality?” or “Are you interested in an abuse-free relationship?”
It’s also important to remember that dating should be fun. If it’s not fun, it’s not dating.
Finally, Hold It Loosely
In the reputed words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “It’s not the destination, it's the journey.” If you are dating with the sole intention of locking down a girlfriend or boyfriend, you are too focused on the destination and may have some unresolved emotional neediness to work through.
Building a successful, long-term, committed relationship is not about finding a boyfriend or girlfriend; it’s about finding the right boyfriend or girlfriend. This is why I say, “Hold it loosely" and recommend dating at least 30 different people.
Whether the date goes the way you desired—or not—you’ve learned something about the other person. Whatever you’ve learned helps you decide if a second date is warranted or not. If it’s not, let the person know it’s over by saying something like, “I don’t think I’m the right person for you.” You can then check one date off the list. Only 29 to go!
An Added Bonus
As a bonus to realizing this person wasn’t right for you, you’ve also learned something about yourself—the answer to the question, What was it about them that attracted me?
Sometimes, the answer to questions like these reveals truths that we don’t find flattering, like you’re always attracted to “bad boys” or you find yourself dating people who need saving. Once you become aware of these truths, you can start dating people you are more compatible with.
There Are No Bad Dates
Getting to know another human being (for better or worse) is among the supreme pleasures of life. In this sense, there are no bad dates because all dates provide an intimate glimpse into another human being. And remember, dating may or may not include sex. A date can range from a 30-minute coffee meetup to a sexy sleepover.
Get Out There and Date
By dating widely (at least 30 dates) and with intention, you’ll find yourself growing and discovering so much about yourself and those you are interested in dating. You also discover that there are people out there who are far more wonderful than you were even capable of imagining. And, guess what, one of those people could be very right for you!
Via PsychologyToday